Statistics

A great man once said, 'A statistic is no more than a pebble on the shoreline of maths, but many statistics make a whole beach where we can lay and relax.'

Statistics, they're everywhere. If you look closely enough in any direction, you will be able to see at least four statistics*. The human body itself is full of statistics, for example the average human has less than two legs. Have a look, are you above average?

The majority of people in the UK first meet statistics upon arrival at school, aged 5 years. As the newest members of  the school are paraded in front of the existing members, they are attacked with a volley of abusive statistics from their soon to be school chums. At the end of the hour long barrage of misery the young children are asked to recite (still stood in front of the whole school) as many of the statistics they have heard as they can, the child that successfully remembers the most is presented with a crown, slippers and ceremonial hoog-garten and is allowed to dance when ever they see fit for the remainder of the day. The child who remembers the least, or is seen to willfully make up statistics is sent to the school bed, without any school supper. in the event of a tie, in either extremity, a siren is sounded and the teachers are allowed to take a pencil from the child of their choice. This may sound harsh, but it has helped to make the UK's statisticians among the rest in the world.

We've talked a lot about statistics, but we haven't really looked at any. Lets see what is in the charts at the moment**.

Top 10

10. 8 out of 31 mountains are in fact hills
9. The highest ratio of cylinder speed to curvature is 7:2
8. The incremental turning of a spoke in a bike wheel is an average of .04% faster than the tire of the wheel
7. Reading on average, in a properly sanitised environment, is only 1/5 harder than walking
6. 200 hundred people a day die from spice inhalation worldwide
5. 80% of all Dutch have been sexually abused
4. Dogs
3. Up to 100% of proteins come in liquid form
2. The average drying speed for clothes subjected to wind speeds of 7 Knots is 17mins
1. For optimum enjoyment, music should be served at 108 degrees (Fahrenheit)

But of course you're familiar with modern statistics, what of those of the ancients you say? I do not know, nor does any one else. The information regarding statistics before the year 1921 was kept, and heavily guarded, on a ship out in the Pacific ocean, but it exploded.

What then of the future of statistics? Well look no further than the Sebastian Coe Statistical Research Centre in David, Texas. Where for over 15 months the worlds top statisticians have been meeting, discussing and poking some of the most obscure and obtuse statistics known to man.

I went to have a look. I arrived at the envelope shaped entrance gate and was greeted (then briefly put under with general anesthetic) by a young research scientist name of Micheal Warbling, or as he preferred to be known, Adam. As Adam transported me down the many bisecting hallways in my guest-car, I noticed the distinct lack of windows. When I questioned Adam on the subject he explained it in simple terms for me to understand, "The man who designed the building forgot to put any in. He was too bashful and we too polite to bring it up. I'd rather you didn't mention this again" he laughed.

As we approached the end of my tour (everything up to this point had been looking in each vending machine in the facility in order for Adam to buy the fullest pack of skittles for his money) I was taken into the brain of the centre, the brain room. Everyone knows that you cannot store statistical information on a computer, it just won't work. So for years, over populated and impoverished nations have been selling human brains to centres like this one, in order to save the (perhaps) vital information from becoming lost or gooey. The room was filled with over a thousand brains, some having to share a cell, looked irritable. "Most of them are from Djibouti" announced Adam during a lull in our (increasingly) stifled conversation.

As I entered the decompression chamber and prepared for a long night of flashing lights and harrowing meals I waved uncomfortably at Adam, who wept a single hyper-tear (about a litre and a half) turned and vanished into the mist. I used that terrifying and sleepless night to reflect upon what I had learned of statistics, what I wrote on my pad was so horrible, I hope never to look at it again.

In conclusion Statistics are important and vital and stuff, but I question whether we really need them or whether a better method would be using recipes or old coke bottles? I guess we'll never know.

*Unless of course, for obvious reasons, you or someone near you, is colour blind
** Statistics taken from the UK top 100 Stat's chart sponsored by 'Literacy - Let's get literate!'