Cool Runnings (1993)

As a reward for getting all my work done today I watched Cool Runnings and as a positive externality of that decision, you get to read about it.

Cool Runnings is loosely based on an actual Bobsled team from Jamaica, who turned up did poorly, improved a little and ultimately failed.

So now that I have managed to explain the entire film in just one (compound) sentence, we can delve into the intricacies of the plot.

We start in Sunny Jamaica, were a group of promising young sprinters ready to start one of their national qualifiers. They line up. The starting pistol is fired. The young men head off speedily and tightly grouped. And they're down. Collapsed into an angry heap, all possible glory now just a fleeting memory (mammary?). And who was the culprit behind this? Junior Bevil (Rawle D Lewis) the posh bankers son who has tripped Derice Bannock (Leon Robinson, also of Cliffhanger fame), Sanka Coffie (Doug E Doug) and (a very scary) Yul Brenner (Malik Yoba). Yul takes (rather unsurprisingly) an instant dislike to Junior.

Dejected and bored, the guys just wander about for a bit. Then Derice has an idea! They approach a fat man in a local bar (that isn't the whole idea), but this isn't just any fat man. No, it's John Candy (the man that made fat not only acceptable, but also bearable). Irving 'Irv' Blitzer (John Candy) is a former (disgraced) Bobsled champion from the 70's (or whenever) who is now living on the island as a bookie. After a little coaxing from Derice (and some silly faces from Sanka) 'Irv' agrees to coach the team, on the proviso that they can actually get one.

Derice and Sanka invite other runners who failed to make it to the Olympics to meet and join the team. At the meeting 'Irv' gives a talk on the dangers of their new sport and shows a brief video. By the time the video has run its course there is virtually no one left in the room (furthering the stereotype that Jamaicans do not understand, and are fearful of, consumer electronics). The two (other than Derice and Sanka. I'm not including the human tent that is John Candy in this either) left are (rather predictably) Junior and Yul. After quick bitch from Yul about how Junior is a bit soft, they form a team.

Oh me, oh my is that a group of young black men running around Jamaica in a (hastily) converted pig trough, while a big fat man ('Irv', for it is he) looks at a watch and shouts? Yes.

Next issue, funding. The narrative has established that the boys can probably do it, but the mayor of Jamaica (or whatever) is all like, "No way", "What's the point? We don't even have ice!" and "I have more to do today than allocate funds to various sporting teams, please leave". Valiantly (or whatever) the team refuse to give up and go on a funding montage. People laugh at them, Sanka 'raps' (wraps?) and some other stuff happens. They all meet up and find through all their hard work, they have achieved virtually nothing. Oh, and then Junior sells his fancy motor (and the rest of the car) and they have enough. Great.

So off they go, to sunny (well, snowy) Calgary, Alberta. They make a few jokes about how cold it is (because they're not used to it and contrast comedy is always funny), meet some of the other teams (including the evil Swiss, more of them later) and then go for a drink.

While drinking (and line dancing) they manage to get into a fight with the Swiss, but this is a good thing as Yul and Junior learn to work together and stuff (by shouting at a mirror).

This bit isn't hugely important, we get to meet Sanka's egg (we may have met it before, not sure) and there is a great montage (with the classic track, 'Rise Above It' by Lock, Stock and Barrel) with all the guys running around in the snow, in the gym and probably somewhere else to (these things work in threes). The the night before qualifying, we see Derice sat in the bath lurching from side to side while he stares at the taps (faucet, to our American friends, of which there are many). 'Irv' talks to him and they look serious.

Qualification comes, they make it.

But the trouble isn't over, 'Irv' (the coach) has a lifetime ban from the sport, and the board (worried about how the presence of blacks may affect future revenues) tell him that his team can't compete, despite hitting the qualifying time, because he was such a massive cheating shit. 'Irv' says this isn't fair and then the board agrees. Surely it will be plain sailing from here on out.

Well, no. After impressing in their first few outings, having a sing and a dance and making fun of Juniors mothers name (Tallulah) the Swiss get angry. On the final day of the tournament, when Jamaican fever is gripping the entire crowd (it's not an actual fever) the (evil) Swiss captain kicks a lump out of (or something to that effect) the Jamaican Bobsled (Cool Runnings, hence the name of the film). The guys don't notice and crash (They even use real footage of the actual Jamaican Bobsled team from 1988, fact).The get up and march to the end of the track, carrying their Bobsled, with their (fractured?) heads held high. Even the (evil) Swiss guys applauds them (which is a bit rich, to be honest). They return home as heroes, film ends.

In Summary, this is a good film to keep the kids (children, not goats!) quiet and has the capacity to inspire even you to do greater things with your life (although it won't).